Adoption — Page 12

Now, I may be a bit controlling at times (Yes, I know. No one in my real life is surprised.) I may even be a bit of a freak of nature. But a control freak parent? I never thought so.

Let’s have a little English lesson, shall we?

con·trol

/kənˈtroʊl/ Show Spelled[kuhn-trohl]

–verb (used with object)

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one’s emotions.

3.to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.

4.to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.

5.Obsolete . to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.

Sooooo I suppose I do exercise restraint over my kiddos. ahem

freak

/frik/ Show Spelled[freek]–noun

1. any abnormal phenomenon or product or unusual object; anomaly; aberration.

2. a person or animal on exhibition as an example of a strange deviation from nature; monster.

3. a sudden and apparently causeless change or turn of events, the mind, etc.; an apparently capricious notion, occurrence, etc.: That kind of sudden storm is a freak.

4. Numismatics . an imperfect coin, undetected at the mint and put into circulation.

5. Philately . a stamp differing from others of the same printing because of creases, dirty engraving plates, etc.

6. Slang .

a. a person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behavior and activities to pursue one interest or obsession: a drug freak.

b.a devoted fan or follower; enthusiast: a baseball freak.

c. a hippie.

7. Archaic . capriciousness; whimsicality

I am bit unusual compared to the majority of other parents I know these days.

Uh oh – perhaps that stranger knew me better than I thought!

And this turns out to be the best way for me to get into something that I has been shifting in our home since our trip (well, actually, beginning on our trip).

You see, when we brought Garnet home at age 3. We sheltered him (I think this is what the person saw in me = control freak parenting). We made sure we were the numero uno in his world. We worked hard at creating our own little microcosm in the form of our family. We had to go back to square one and teach him what a family was. We had to teach him that he didn’t have to deal with the world on his own (at 3!). And it worked. He has his struggles to be sure and as we hit each developmental milestone we see behaviours and emotions pop out that we thought were banished. Only now I am hesitant to even believe that they will ever be banished. I think that they will be there under his skin for the rest of his earthly life. His beginning is, of course, what makes him who he is today and who he will develop into tomorrow. I have the full knowledge that Jesus can walk with him through this and that what He did on the cross created a new start for Garnet. But, on the flip side, will the shadow of the past ever be completely gone? No. It will always be there somewhere deep inside. His perspective on it has the ability to change though. That is what we ache to see in him. A confidence deep down inside that comes from the ability to build on what was to what will be.

When Grace came home last fall we tried to do the same thing. And I don’t think we were successful. (I know it’s only been 6 months – there’s lots of time!)

For example, in China, we had been advised by all in the “know” (attachment therapist, other APs, our very experienced facilitator), to simply let her bond to whomever she would on our trip. Meaning that she should find her safe person or people and hang on, realizing that once we got home we would resume our parenting and lifestyle as we did with Garnet.

Grace very obviously chose Grandma.

My folks had travelled to China to meet Garnet and came again for Grace’s adoption. And we are so thrilled that they did (Just so you know Mom & Dad!). They were an incredible help. They have a strong empathy and avid interest in our family’s connection to China. They have made connections to our facilitator. They have (especially my Mom) invested a lot of time learning about adopive parenting, trauma, special needs, and China’s social and societal customs. Also, our kids respond well to them as travel companions and disciplinarians as the need arises (although the disciplinary part is rarely seen – I don’t know where they get their stamina from!).

So when we were in China. Grandma came first and then Mama. Everyone else may as well have stayed home. (Although I’m glad they all came because oh.has.it.been.good. to have you all be in the knowabout Grace’s life. It has helped to reaffrim that I am not crazy and that I saw what I saw and experienced what I experienced. KWIM?) Once we got home she grieved. Oh how she grieved! It had begun in China and just seemed to grow until in enveloped every one of us. IT became all consuming. And I’m not talking about a few days or a week, but months!

If an adult adoptee or Grace herself should read this in the future, let me explain that this is not the point of my long ramble. She needed to grieve. Still does at times. She will probably always have that hole right there in her heart, just as we see it to this day in Garnet. I am not complaining about her grief, rather I am concerned about our part in it. And that leads me further into my ramble.

We spent months not sleeping, making contact with her loved ones in China, pouring over her photos and having her recount in her early days crazy Chinglish, just how much better China was. How much she ached to be there. How much all the other adults in her life were missing her and so sad she wasn’t with them. And believe me when I say that I am oversimplifying what she went through. What form of roller coaster that we rode with her. Those adults in China rode it with her too. We all tried our best to support her in this pain she was experiencing. And we made a huge mistake.

In the midst of the dwelling in the pain (which was very essential!), we forgot to remind her of her present and of her future. We neglected to take the reigns of control from her grasp and take our role as her new parents to its fullest degree. We forgot to teach her what a family was. Who parents are in the life of a child. That it’s okay to be loved on like a baby. That when you need to grieve it feels best when you can do it with a loved one rather than try to take care of business on your own. And because of that, my friends, she was unable to attach to her new reality, thereby preventing her from connecting with her new family.

She is so often like a sugar starved toddler running around looking for her next lollipop. Who will give me what I need? Who will fill this hole? And so she runs. From here to there.

Some days it is so wonderful. I get a heartfelt hug in the morning or a spontaneous “I love you” at bedtime or she asks after her Dad while he is at work multiple times a day. Other days I need to tighten up a little on the “control freak” role (see I do have a point! LOL).

Is the purpose of my post to beat myself up over the past months? No. I think we did many things right. She is definitely growing in her attachment each day, whether it is visible or not. I guess my point is simply that sometimes one needs to take stock and really size things up. For me, this is a season of tweaking my parenting.

I’m so thankful that, so far, even Mama’s can have a second chance.

1 Comment

11
Jul

A note to remind myself of where we are at today.

July 11, 2010

This post has described just so perfectly where we are at in our parenting journey right now.

This day.

Today.

It’s days like today that remind me that we are raising broken people into health.

Sad little hearts into joyful ones.

Lost little souls into Princes and Princesses of the King.

Lonely hearts into members of a forever family.

It’s good to be reminded of why we do what we do sometimes.

Just a little note.

Everyday Randomness

May 28, 2010

I know random is the tween catch all descriptive, but these days it just fits our lives. So, in an effort to catch up on my blogging before our big adventure begins, here goes…

“I guess we’re all done training wheels in this house…” Said by Steve. Reason enough for both of us to pause momentarily and feel a little nostalgic. Grace and Garnet have officially figured out how to ride their two-wheelers. We tried and tried to help them (including several on and off manoeuvres with the training wheels) and then one day they both took it upon themselves to figure out how to balance and pedal fast. Braking came next. Only a few band aids later and there has been no turning back. The two of them are a force to be reckoned with when they work together!

Happy Birthday Grandma! The family put on a fun weekend for my Mom’s big birthday a couple of weekends ago. The weather was beautiful. The cousins were happy and had a tremendous time playing and dousing Grandma with water balloons. Other than a smoky restaurant and a few shrill chirps from a smoke alarm, the whole weekend was beautiful. A great family time for us to come together and celebrate with our much loved Mom / Grandma.

6 months with our Grace Yes, this should warrant its own post. And yet, when the day passed we were together celebrating Grandma’s birthday weekend. She was just one of the grandkids. Her English is blossoming. Her accent and slightly husky voice is charming. She had the chance to sit on her Grandma’s lap a whole lot and play with the amazing contents of Grandma’s purse on more than one occasion. She ate ice cream twice in two days (something she tells me,“I no have this in Chwina. Never, never in Chwina.”). And I think that sums up how she is doing quite nicely don’t you think?

School’s Out Yes folks, we made it. Our first school year with four at home. It has been a defining year for each of our kids in one way or another and I am so incredibly proud of my kids. Really. They all outdid themselves.

Our patio. This was our first experience hiring a contractor to do work. It’s been educational and overall I think the patio itself is a vast improvement over our ill placed, overgrown trees and dead, patchy grass. It was just poured today, so we’ll get to enjoy it more fully when we return from our big adventure.

End of an Era – Goodbye Ayi Sherri Garnet has been attending Sherri’s preschool for two afternoons a week since shortly after coming home. This was a huge deal for us. We had committed wholeheartedly to homeschooling our older two kids. We had absorbed much material on building healthy attachments. So when our little man came home from from China, we were all set to carry on as planned. God used a few well placed observations by some foks who didn’t even know Garnet to soften my spirit. Sherri was referred to us by a friend of my sister-in-law and after speaking with her on the phone I was amazed at the peace I sensed. God used Sherri in so many ways to not only help Garnet learn, but also to develop trust and relationships in a safe testing ground. As I wrote in the front of the Curious George book we gave her, “Sherri, you have been such an encouragement to our entire family…” We’ll miss her very much!

Faith’s Year End Dance Production Months and months of tapping around our house are about to be displayed for all her adoring fans grandparents to see. Yes, the year end production is set to begin tomorrow. She’s braved blocking and dress rehearsal and is now catching some beauty rest before the big day. We can’t wait to applaud our girl. Way to go Faith!

Our Big Family Adventure (And yes we have housesitters – just in case anyone out there is getting any funny ideas about an empty house! lol) We are heading out in a few days and taking a long road trip. We’ll be camping some. Doing some touristy things. Spending lots and lots of time squished together in small confined spaces. And you know what? I can’t wait! There will definitely be those tense moments that always happen on a trip like this, but we sort of planned it that way. Life since returning home with Grace has been its normal full, busy, packed, crazy self. Lessons and activities and work and friends and church and therapy and medical appointments and volunteering are all great things, but they leave little wiggle room for working out some of the issues that crop up more readily under the pressure cooker of 3 weeks together on our own without distractions. So, I’m excited! I know God has some big growth planned for all of us and I’m ready for a fresh breeze straight from Heaven.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 This is the verse that God has really been speaking to my heart about the last couple of weeks. I won’t kid you that I have been quite exhausted for some time. Health issues and life, not to mention adding a spunky new seven year old to the mix can be physically and emotionally wearing. When I think to myself that I simply can not step up and be consistent, be a translator, be a mediator, be an instructor, be a mentor, be an advocate one more time, He reminds me of this verse and speaks it to my deepest soul. May I offer His encouragement to you as well?

I’ll update if I get the chance. We’ll have a laptop along, but Steve’ll be keeping up with the goings on at work, so my computer quota may be limited. Take care everyone!

4 Comments

6
May

Wishing and Hoping

May 6, 2010

Stephen and I had really and truly hoped that when our two youngest finally were united, they would find fulfillment in the shared experiences of their early years.

Today I saw it fulfilled.

There they were, in their fort under the school table. Chatting away over Garnet’s photo album about “Their China”.

It was all I could do not to shout, “Yippee!”.

5 Comments

5
May

Having THE Talk

May 5, 2010

Oh, not the one most parents would think of. No birds or bees here. Well there was some of that, but – oh whatever.

The talk I’m referring to is the story of my youngest daughter’s beginnings. She was baby role playing with me (a normal thing for her and I that I believe is giving her a chance to catch up so to speak.) and I had the opportunity to take it one step farther and once again bring up her birth parents.

Before now she would always look at me with that look. You know the look. The one that says, “Haha, aren’t you a funny Mommy. I like make believe, but can we move on to a new subject?”

But this time, I again recounted as much of her story as I have been told and I took it a step farther. I drew pictures. Ahem. So I’m not a brilliant artiste. She really engaged with me in the drawing. She helped me with details, asked me questions and then we had an opportunity to talk about her coming to Canada, her feelings, the works. But the best part? The fact that she and I were finally able to talk about it.

You see, I had broached the subject previously. I’d rehearsed openly with her as she was in the early stages of English Vocaulary development. I’d spoken of other babies in our family. I’d used all the correct (or should I say, consciously chosen)terminology in front of her. And then all of a sudden, tonight she had that curious sort of look that said, “Tell me more, Mom.” Finally she got it.

And you know what she told me? No one had ever told her this story before.

While I am delighted to be the one to engage her on this level, I am pretty sure that she has a variety of ideas as to how she came to the orphanage. I’m sure she heard plenty. Was it her own personal story though? I doubt it. Did not knowing about the fact that her life is on a path and that her destiny was to be more than the orphanage life as she knew it affect her determination not to want to meld with our family? Yeah. I’m pretty sure it added to it.

But (and this is a big BUT), I am so glad that I got to be the one to talk to her about God’s bigger plan for her. God didn’t create the trauma in her life, but he is definitely the redeemer and the ultimate healer of wounds. I can’t be the balm she needs, but I can keep leading her back to the One who has a special plan for her.

It was a good talk.

For I know the plans I have for (Grace),” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper (Grace) and not to harm (Grace), plans to give (Grace) hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

3 Comments

2
May

A new glimpse

May 2, 2010

Thanks to this post on Rumor Queen, many of us in the China IA world have been racing around the web in order to locate new photos of our kids.

Here’s a new one of Garnet.

At this point, this is probably the youngest photo we have of our little man. Would I normally be joyous over a simple photo of a regular old exam? No. But, this is post surgery. This is his history. And I am delighted to see it.

We’ve also found a few photos of the baby rooms in each of the kids’ orphanages. Both kids have had a lot of questions about their babyhood lately and I’m so pleased to have the photos to show them.

I’m so thankful for the internet and for the generosity of the many other IA parents we’ve met or been exposed to over the internet.

Off to search some more…

5 Comments

con·trol

freak

For I know the plans I have for (Grace),” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper (Grace) and not to harm (Grace), plans to give (Grace) hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

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