Now, I may be a bit controlling at times (Yes, I know. No one in my real life is surprised.) I may even be a bit of a freak of nature. But a control freak parent? I never thought so.
Let’s have a little English lesson, shall we?
con·trol
/kənˈtroʊl/ Show Spelled[kuhn-trohl]
–verb (used with object)
1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one’s emotions.
3.to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.
4.to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.
5.Obsolete . to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.
Sooooo I suppose I do exercise restraint over my kiddos. ahem
freak
/frik/ Show Spelled[freek]–noun
1. any abnormal phenomenon or product or unusual object; anomaly; aberration.
2. a person or animal on exhibition as an example of a strange deviation from nature; monster.
3. a sudden and apparently causeless change or turn of events, the mind, etc.; an apparently capricious notion, occurrence, etc.: That kind of sudden storm is a freak.
4. Numismatics . an imperfect coin, undetected at the mint and put into circulation.
5. Philately . a stamp differing from others of the same printing because of creases, dirty engraving plates, etc.
6. Slang .
a. a person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behavior and activities to pursue one interest or obsession: a drug freak.
b.a devoted fan or follower; enthusiast: a baseball freak.
c. a hippie.
7. Archaic . capriciousness; whimsicality
I am bit unusual compared to the majority of other parents I know these days.
Uh oh – perhaps that stranger knew me better than I thought!
And this turns out to be the best way for me to get into something that I has been shifting in our home since our trip (well, actually, beginning on our trip).
You see, when we brought Garnet home at age 3. We sheltered him (I think this is what the person saw in me = control freak parenting). We made sure we were the numero uno in his world. We worked hard at creating our own little microcosm in the form of our family. We had to go back to square one and teach him what a family was. We had to teach him that he didn’t have to deal with the world on his own (at 3!). And it worked. He has his struggles to be sure and as we hit each developmental milestone we see behaviours and emotions pop out that we thought were banished. Only now I am hesitant to even believe that they will ever be banished. I think that they will be there under his skin for the rest of his earthly life. His beginning is, of course, what makes him who he is today and who he will develop into tomorrow. I have the full knowledge that Jesus can walk with him through this and that what He did on the cross created a new start for Garnet. But, on the flip side, will the shadow of the past ever be completely gone? No. It will always be there somewhere deep inside. His perspective on it has the ability to change though. That is what we ache to see in him. A confidence deep down inside that comes from the ability to build on what was to what will be.
When Grace came home last fall we tried to do the same thing. And I don’t think we were successful. (I know it’s only been 6 months – there’s lots of time!)
For example, in China, we had been advised by all in the “know” (attachment therapist, other APs, our very experienced facilitator), to simply let her bond to whomever she would on our trip. Meaning that she should find her safe person or people and hang on, realizing that once we got home we would resume our parenting and lifestyle as we did with Garnet.
Grace very obviously chose Grandma.
My folks had travelled to China to meet Garnet and came again for Grace’s adoption. And we are so thrilled that they did (Just so you know Mom & Dad!). They were an incredible help. They have a strong empathy and avid interest in our family’s connection to China. They have made connections to our facilitator. They have (especially my Mom) invested a lot of time learning about adopive parenting, trauma, special needs, and China’s social and societal customs. Also, our kids respond well to them as travel companions and disciplinarians as the need arises (although the disciplinary part is rarely seen – I don’t know where they get their stamina from!).
So when we were in China. Grandma came first and then Mama. Everyone else may as well have stayed home. (Although I’m glad they all came because oh.has.it.been.good. to have you all be in the knowabout Grace’s life. It has helped to reaffrim that I am not crazy and that I saw what I saw and experienced what I experienced. KWIM?) Once we got home she grieved. Oh how she grieved! It had begun in China and just seemed to grow until in enveloped every one of us. IT became all consuming. And I’m not talking about a few days or a week, but months!
If an adult adoptee or Grace herself should read this in the future, let me explain that this is not the point of my long ramble. She needed to grieve. Still does at times. She will probably always have that hole right there in her heart, just as we see it to this day in Garnet. I am not complaining about her grief, rather I am concerned about our part in it. And that leads me further into my ramble.
We spent months not sleeping, making contact with her loved ones in China, pouring over her photos and having her recount in her early days crazy Chinglish, just how much better China was. How much she ached to be there. How much all the other adults in her life were missing her and so sad she wasn’t with them. And believe me when I say that I am oversimplifying what she went through. What form of roller coaster that we rode with her. Those adults in China rode it with her too. We all tried our best to support her in this pain she was experiencing. And we made a huge mistake.
In the midst of the dwelling in the pain (which was very essential!), we forgot to remind her of her present and of her future. We neglected to take the reigns of control from her grasp and take our role as her new parents to its fullest degree. We forgot to teach her what a family was. Who parents are in the life of a child. That it’s okay to be loved on like a baby. That when you need to grieve it feels best when you can do it with a loved one rather than try to take care of business on your own. And because of that, my friends, she was unable to attach to her new reality, thereby preventing her from connecting with her new family.
She is so often like a sugar starved toddler running around looking for her next lollipop. Who will give me what I need? Who will fill this hole? And so she runs. From here to there.
Some days it is so wonderful. I get a heartfelt hug in the morning or a spontaneous “I love you” at bedtime or she asks after her Dad while he is at work multiple times a day. Other days I need to tighten up a little on the “control freak” role (see I do have a point! LOL).
Is the purpose of my post to beat myself up over the past months? No. I think we did many things right. She is definitely growing in her attachment each day, whether it is visible or not. I guess my point is simply that sometimes one needs to take stock and really size things up. For me, this is a season of tweaking my parenting.
I’m so thankful that, so far, even Mama’s can have a second chance.
What a good post. It is evident that you have spent considerable time thinking and pondering about this – always a good idea to take stock.