23
May
May
Facing Reality with a Capital “R”
May 23, 2011
That’s me.
Facing Reality.
We received a surprise recently which has us off to Portland, Oregon tomorrow.
When we returned from our visit to Children’s Hospital last month, we were so thrilled with what God had done in putting all the pieces together for Samuel. I mean, we were over the moon, couldn’t stop talking about it, absolutely in awe. I mean, we still are. And then, to top it off, I received a letter in the mail.
Months and months ago (like, in the early days of our paper chase for Samuel’s adoption), a fellow Mom of a New Day alumni contacted me. Her daughter had undergone surgery and been fitted with a prosthetic through Shriner’s hospital and she had great news for us. Low and behold, she had arranged for her daughter’s Shriner’s prosthetist (Brock) to see Samuel in Beijing when Brock was there on a medical service trip. New Day had arranged for Samuel to be brought to Brock and as a result of this fellow New Day Mom connecting us, I was able to speak with Brock over the phone and even receive the X-rays that he had taken of Samuel when he examined him in China. What a treat!
Well, that got us thinking. We decided to pursue an application for Samuel to be treated by Shriner’s once home. Forms were filled out. I developed a phone relationship with the provincial rep. And then we waited. I heard rumors that cut backs had made it harder to receive acceptance into treatment for Canadians and I was hopeful, but I kind of let it go.
So, here we were less than a week home from our mountaintop high and I received the letter we had been hoping for. Samuel was accepted into treatment. I keep equating it to winning a lottery, but essentially it will allow for his treatment and prosthetics to be covered for his entire childhood. In addition, we can even ride their “Care Cruiser” bus to appointments (many hours each way) and receive accommodations and food vouchers for our time away. I literally bawled when I heard. Like many families in the adoption world, our kids (& in our case, both adopted and bio) have needed a wide variety of therapies and tutors and extras to help them grow and learn and heal and blossom. And each of those come with a price tag. For once it felt so good to be told again and again in response to my tentative questioning, “No, don’t worry about anything, it’s covered.”
So off we go. And I should be singing and dancing with glee.
Instead I have a lump in my throat and Reality has hit the past few days. I would be lying if I said otherwise.
We need to once again have the conversation. And the “A” word will be used.
Amputation.
And yes, to all of you thinking it, I did know it was coming.
I did do my research before we committed to bringing him home to be our forever son.
And we do want the best for him. We want to give him every chance at a full, healthy, active life.
Yes, we do.
But it still stings.
We see him as perfect and active and healthy and as living a pretty full life right now.
And every time someone else asks us what the next step is we tell them.
We talk surgeries and aids and prosthetics.
We smile and nod and talk about his bright future.
But underneath there is a part of me that wants to run to him and pick him up and race away as fast as I can.
Can’t you hear him giggle and can’t you hear him tease? Don’t you see him climb and and dance and chase his sisters until they run giggling too?
But I guess that is the difference of perspective. And of parenting.
Parents have to love a child as they are and yet do the thing that is hardest for their child in order to help them sprout wings and not just crawl, but fly.
I have to fight down that urge to pick up my kids and run away at different times with each of them. And this week it’s Samuel.
So I pack the suitcases. Call my sister-in-law to borrow the play pen. Make sure the many bits and pieces we need to load into the van are ready. And I pray.
Will you pray for us too?
(Photos taken Mother’s Day 2011.)
4
May
May
Just a Moment
May 4, 2011
For just a moment,
all seemed calm,
quiet,
and I breathed deeply,
in thankfulness.
29
Mar
Mar
The Tooth Fairy Cometh
March 29, 2011
Some of you may remember our little visit from the Chinese Tooth Fairy while we were in Changsha. Grace had lost her first tooth with us, and there was much rejoicing when she found her Yuan under her pillow the next morning. She’s saved that Yuan, by the way, and the local branch of the international currency exchange (aka. Mom and Dad) will be called into use soon in order to make sure she has the required Canadian currency with which to puchase her “Barbie Airplane Set” {cue the music}. She’s been saving for this bad boy for quite awhile now.
Anyway, after our latest visit to our dentist this past week, we discovered that indeed, not one, but both of our daughters have a mouth full of wiggly teeth. Stephen made a few comments about needing to take out a loan, while I began altering my mental menu to sustitute apples and corn on the cob for bananas and salad greens.
Over the past 36 hours two of those wigglers have fallen out – one from each daughter, and tonight I realized that all our talk about the tooth fairy hadn’t entirely sunk in…
Grace: Why didn’t the tooth fairy come yet?
Me: Oh, the tooth fairy must have taken all his change with him to work.
Grace: Okaaaay. Wait! His?! You mean like in the movie?
Me: Ummm. Remember honey, we talked about the tooth fairy just being a game we play in our family. Kind of like a silly joke. If it’s just a family joke, who do you think the tooth fairy really is?
Grace: Dad! {suddenly bouncing up and down on her bed} Does he have wings? I bet he gets really small! Wow!
Me: Ummm…
Grace: Yeah! That’s so cool! Hey Faith? {Faith is above her in the top bunk.} Dad has wings!
Faith:{smile}
Me: Well, um, it’s time for sleep girls. {So suave – snort.} Remember girls the tooth fairy game is just for fun! You’ll have to ask Dad more about it when he gets home, but I doubt he’ll tell you his secrets.
Me: {thinking: Poor Steve. Little does he know what I’ve just set him up for. Sometimes I think my imagination gets the better of him! Hope he has time to read the blog. hehe} Godd night girls!
Grace: My Dad has wings! My Dad has wings and he shrinks reaaaaaaallly small!
Me: {quietly shuts door, shaking head}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And in other news?
James learned his first song after his 2nd guitar lesson. Mucho proud of him. He whipped out his guitar and asked to go past Grandma’s to show her. I love that he’s still into his family. His professed highlight? The fact that as he was waiting outside with his guitar for me to come pick him up, a whole pack of young ladies were walking by and he was, ahem, noticed. 😉
Grace recently began practicing her first piano song using two hands – Old Mac Donald. Great job Miss Grace!
Faith cleaned our bathrooms today and for the first time ever I think she has passed my fussiness level. I’m so delighted! I love that look of pride on their faces when they have learned to do a job really well and they know it!
Garnet has become very opportunistic. The second I sit down he literally flies over and plunks donw on my lap. I’ve missed him too. He hates it when I say this out loud, but he’s still my baby and I need a good dose of snuggle time with him each day or I feel out of sorts too. I’m glad he is coming to me when he sees the chance. Never pushing his little brother out, but certainly not passing up the opportunity for his own turn.
Samuel is currently heading into night number four in his car bed. Last night was another full night of rest. We had some good snuggles today. He is such a deep soul like his brothers. I really heart my boys.
Hey, and I got all 5 kids out for lessons, errands, AND a big grocery shop and made it home alive. 🙂 Moments like these must be celebrated.
3
Feb
Feb
How it Really is
February 3, 2011
From an e-mail I wrote this morning…
Hi Friend,
Ahhh, your blog has people calling me and saying certainly Grace and Grace’s friend must have some of the same DNA. Seriously! Okay, that isn’t exactly what they mean though. They are referring to the control issues, the anger, the sheer force of nature that is our girls experience right now.
I could’ve written every word that you have written lately. And that is why I haven’t Skyped or written or attempted to even call.
Am I a wimp? Yeah, maybe. How do I empathize without sounding negative? Some days drive me to the brink of the crazy house. And yet honestly we have come so far in a year. A year. And that is again, why I don’t write. It takes time. If someone had told me that we’d be fighting these battles still I would’ve burst into tears. I know why. I know it is logical. If I were chatting with another Mom and they were wondering why it is taking so long then I would have all the answers. But when you’re in the trenches, it is just hard to see it all clearly some days.
And right now Grace is fighting for control with all her being. We are facing her demons. The reality of the golden China that she dreams of is always looming for her and she knows or at least fears that it won’t be what she remembers. She is scared. I mean terrified. But we have to face it together. Hopefully on the other side of this trip she will have clung to us more and trusted what she can see without the mask of the confusion of the actual adoption clouding her vision. Really, when we visited the orphanage the day or so after the adoption, she was just plain shell-shocked and it was all rosy. And it’s only grown from there.
So as for talking with Grace’s Friend. Grace hasn’t been up to it. She has pushed away from her friends or at least the reality that her friends are actually adopted now too. It unnerves her. Of course it does. I think seeing that they are no longer in China will help draw her closer to the girls here in North America too. Perhaps finally she will see them as part of a shared experience.
All this to say that I am walking right beside you in this. Grace is struggling right now behind her brave face of control. Praying that once we are home again, we can begin again with her from a new place of understanding.
Love,
28
Jan
Jan
Catching up
January 28, 2011
So I think I am over my general feeling of malaise. Now I am onto Full Speed Ahead. Haha
Thank you to everyone who commented and e-mailed to check in on me. I really REALLY appreciate every word. It’s so good to know I’m not the only one…
In the meantime, we made a quick trip to Grace’s specialist at the closest Children’s Hospital. She’s doing really fantastic and somehow those words always put me at ease. We visit that particular specialist twice per year and it’s easy to forget that there is even a need for the visit until just beforehand and then suddenly I get to wondering how things are beneath the surface. As usual, those thoughts were for nothing. And for that I am truly thankful!
We also celebrated a really big milestone birthday as James turned 15 this week. Everbody says this about their kids, but How On Earth did He Get this BIG? And how come every year we enjoy him more and more? We are really thrilled with our young man and we had an absolute hoot the other night on our birthday date with him. Accoring to a certain arcade game, we are Ace shots at killing giant spiders and leeches, but are not really all that compatible as mates. Uh ,yeauuuuh?! Lame plot line, but too funny laughing with our teenager. 🙂
I’ve been polling friends for tips on which size diapers or pull ups to bring with us. Samuel is trained duirng the day, but we expect a regression (you know, hope for the best, prepare for the worst and all that…). He’s about 20 lb.s and will be 3 (!) next Tuesday. factoring in his limb difference, but knowing he’s a little guy has made me go a bit crazy. Input welcome. 🙂
The realization also dawned that while we way over pack every time we travel, we also like to bring a lot of donate-able items. But, on this trip, we will be flying into Beijing and then taking a bunch of domestic flights followed by an international departure via Hong Kong. That means less than half our usual luggage allowance. Not sure if our arrival into each city will allow enough time to shop for items to bring to each orphanage. We’ll have to see… Any tips (Americans!) on what you do when you fly into Beijing and exit via GZ or HK?
We received our last monthly update on Samuel (which I will post separately) and it said something that made us curious. Guess we’ll understand more once we meet him.
We were able to Skype last Sunday night. He is a total monkey boy (and we LOVE monkeys in this house). He loves to climb all over the desk, point the web cam around, show us his belly button, flex his muscles, play peek-a-boo (his favourite), and accost the pig shaped light on the desk. hehe We notice that his rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” is getting clearer and clearer each week. His new haircut is often styled by his nanny into a very manly swoop across his forehead and he is often dressed to chat with us in a sharp little sweater. Very adorable handsome. 🙂 We have played with him this way for so many months now. What a tremendous blessing – one we never dreamed of.
I am ignoring the second half of my Chinese New Year cleaning by writing this post. We are beginning CNY early this year as our church group is coming over tonight and treating us to some very yummy sounding homemade Chinese food. Our contribution will be a little more western in that it will need to be picked up from our local restaurant shortly before the party. 🙂 Grace has told me that my version is just not quite right and so we jokingly order what we call Fake-Chinese food and don’t even try and pretend its the real thing. I’m even serving Chocolate dipped fortune cookies from this site. She has amazing ideas – totally worth the look!
I think I have just about come to the end of my catching up, but before I go finish catching dust bunnies (Hey, it’s the Year of the Rabbit – aren’t I clever?!), I want to make a quick mention about a very special little girl by the name of Sharaya. Our friends the Berzenji Family is raising funds in order to bring their newest child home. We travelled with them on our journey to Miss Grace and their daughter Jade Ping is Grace’s orphanage sister.
Anway, back to Sharaya (don’t you just love her name? Brings back memories of a certain Amy Grant song – and yes, I am that old.) Sharaya is a young friend of the Berzenji family. She has decided to raise money for their adoption fund and the Canadian Cancer Society by cutting off her beautiful, long tresses and not only donating the hair to make a wig to bless a person fighting their cancer, but is also taking pledges in order to give financially to this special family trying to bring home their child from China. Who says kids don’t have great big hearts? In addition, both she and Adrian (Baba Berzenji) are taking part in a Congee fast right now! You can read all about it and all of these fantastic people on their blogs: Sharaya & Adrian’s. And please, do more than read. Won’t you encourage them with a donation?
Off to herd up those bunnies….
And don’t forget to weigh in on the great diaper debate & luggage fiasco of 2011. I could really use the advice. 😉
21
Jan
Jan
I just feel kinda numb.
January 21, 2011
Okay, not completely numb, but just sorta distant and emotionless these days. Vacant perhaps?
I have felt this way each and every time a new child has been added to our family. Birth or adoption.
I kinda wonder if it is simple self-preservation. Or does it make me a bad Mom?
A friend mentioned tonight (and said it in a sort of self-depreciating way), that she is not the type to cry over movies a whole lot. As though that would make her less of a woman.
Perhaps that is why I feel no small amount of guilt over my state of being right now.
I think at the heart I am simply overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at the current to do lists, sure. But mostly overwhelmed by the knowledge of the enormity of what is to take place in a few weeks.
Change. Transition. For my son. For our whole family.
It’s all rather daunting.
So, I hold it in. And suddenly in those moments leading up to holding him in my arms, I will shake and tremble. I will probably snap at my husband. I will think of all the things I did not do to better prepare for that moment.
And then it will all come together. The puzzle piece will find its home.
And then I will truly feel.
20
Dec
Dec
Memories of Great Grandma on Day 50
December 20, 2010
Days since our paperwork was given a date stamp at the C*C*A*A* in China. Chugging right along to our LSC….
We had the chance to watch Samuel see “Santa Claus” for the first time yesterday. I don’t think “Santa” knew Samuel was Skyping in the office when he came to retrieve the presents for the preschool party. They had to grab him real quick so he didn’t spin right off the office chair in his eagerness to turn around and see him! LOL
Needless to say we had a fairly short visit with him this Sunday, but it was so amazing to hear that he was going off to be a Shepherd in the Nativity story that they were putting on. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. is all I have to say.
Stephen’s grandma went to be with Jesus this weekend and so we will be participating in the funeral. When asked about our favourite memories of Grandma, Stephen remembered hanging around her house watching game shows with her (he didn’t have a t.v. at his house) and also how he could often score a cookie if he “helped out” in the kitchen while she worked on her baking. 🙂 My favourite memory was getting a phone call after we were engaged (at the Bible College – not easy for her to track me down) and asking me to come over for lunch. She taught me to bake buns and she and Grandpa visited with me over lunch. What a wonderful welcome into the family! We all remember her telling the egg story (Stephen as a little boy on the farm) at our wedding and playing many games of Mexican Train. Our oldest two kids remember her pouring milk and grape juice out of her glass pitchers and being allowed to sit up at the dining room table and use her pretty China dishes. As Faith put it, “I’m SOOO glad that Great Grandma is with Jesus!”
It’s good to be with family this Christmas and to know our little man is being taught the most important story of all time. My heart is very full.
Out of the many, MANY photos taken, this at least shows most everyone’s face on Stephen’s side of the family (When you have this many, sometimes that is all you can hope for! ha). With the exception, of course, of grandchild #12. 🙂
23
Oct
Oct
Modern Day Miracle
October 23, 2010
Follow my trail of thoughts….
10 days ago we received our son Garnet’s allergy test results.
He was diagnosed with cat allergies.
Prescription: “Remove Cats”.
It was o.n.e. m.o.r.e. t.h.i.n.g.
I was in tears.
God spoke through someone close to me.
“Ask me for healing.”
I called a friend, who is known for her involvement in a local healing ministry.
I told her, “I want to believe. I know he heals. But for me? For my children? There was a time when he did not heal me.”
She replied, “Come to my home tomorrow. I am training my new volunteers. You can observe.”
And miraculously our usually hectic weekend schedule…
was wide open!
“Okay”, I told her.
Perhaps even more miraculous?
Stephen wanted to come too.
We needed God’s renewal.
A fresh wave of His Spirit in our home.
We observed.
We chatted.
We dined.
And then it was time to go.
“Let us pray for you before you leave”, said our friends.
They prayed.
The Holy Spirit was very much felt by us.
Burdens were lifted.
Hearts encouraged.
We went home.
We peeked at our son’s skin.,
usually covered with eczema.
It was the same,
but we held onto hope.
We had asked Him for healing.
The next morning.
I looked again.
His skin,
IT WAS CLEAR!
I ran my hands over his arms,
his legs.
NOTHING.
Absolutely no Eczema.
I watched him this week.
No cortizone creams.
No allergy medicine.
He hugged our cats.
In shorts.
With a bare tummy.
The eczema that he had had since the day we met him in China
was gone.
It’s stayed gone.
It’s never before stayed away for this long.
The tip of the iceberg?
I wonder.
{Photos taken in early October 2010.}
{My Dad took Stephen & Garnet fishing.}
{Garnet caught his first (4!) fish that day.}
{Stephen even tried using Garnet’s rod and yet with much laughter on the men’s part, Garnet continued to catch fish!}
{Garnet also staunchly refused to touch any of his big catch.}
{When he finally braved up to it, well, take a look at his face in the last photo.}
{“Ewwww – they’re slimy!”}
12
Oct
Oct
Around our house
October 12, 2010
If you had come over to visit over the past few days you would’ve seen us:
preparing Samuel’s “Introducing Your Family” package.
(It only took about 5,000 tries to get this one!)
When I mailed it today, the postal worker at the mail counter asked me if I reeeeally wanted to send it. Surely it would be too costly (it was a lot!). I felt like saying, are you kidding me? This is for one priceless kiddo!
Garnet received this balloon from us for his birthday. For a whole week he asked if he could send it to Jesus in Heaven. Finally, before bed one night we sent it off into the night sky. I think his smile speaks volumes. This guy has a big heart for Jesus.
He is also really growing his range of vocabulary.
Lately we’ve caught him saying, “Yes, you may.”
Another time we heard him say, “The deal’s expired!”
(The deal, for those of you who don’t know, is that he told each of us that he doesn’t want kisses anymore <sob>, except on his birthday. You can guess the sheer volume of kissing that went on that day! The next morning? Apparently, the “deal” had expired.)
<chuckle>