Okay, not completely numb, but just sorta distant and emotionless these days. Vacant perhaps?
I have felt this way each and every time a new child has been added to our family. Birth or adoption.
I kinda wonder if it is simple self-preservation. Or does it make me a bad Mom?
A friend mentioned tonight (and said it in a sort of self-depreciating way), that she is not the type to cry over movies a whole lot. As though that would make her less of a woman.
Perhaps that is why I feel no small amount of guilt over my state of being right now.
I think at the heart I am simply overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at the current to do lists, sure. But mostly overwhelmed by the knowledge of the enormity of what is to take place in a few weeks.
Change. Transition. For my son. For our whole family.
It’s all rather daunting.
So, I hold it in. And suddenly in those moments leading up to holding him in my arms, I will shake and tremble. I will probably snap at my husband. I will think of all the things I did not do to better prepare for that moment.
And then it will all come together. The puzzle piece will find its home.
And then I will truly feel.
I remember feeling very similar. But, I believe your load is much bigger than mine ever was. But, I knew that I could handle anything with the support of my husband and children.
Thanks for such an honest post Shelley! I have felt/feel the same way and I often find myself questioning *why*. But as I look back, it was only DS#1 that I was all *butterflies* over, the rest were more like this….quiet resolute steadfast *numbness*.
It’s hard to share, becuase it is so often misinterpeted as *doubt* or *disinterest*
But it’s not,
It’s just a mother’s heart in the midst of great love, grief, and anticipation.
~Roberta
I relate. Totally. When we were adding even Ky ~ our first ~ I had tiny bits of this feeling as I wondered how life was going to change. And then with Caleb I felt it stronger, but didn’t understand it yet. Then last year I got it. And it’s getting ready to hit again.
But yes, you are right. Eventually it will all come together. The puzzle will be complete. And we’ll wonder how we made it so long with a piece missing…
Praying for you in these last weeks and days!
When we were getting close to travel to meet our first daughter, swine flu was rampant and our TA was delayed. I was so overwhelmed with emotion (fear, anger, disappointment, sadness) that I had to distance myself in order to go about my day. Even when our TA arrived, I was still guarding my heart, waiting for the next “shoe to drop”. I was hard on myself later, wishing I could have just accepted the situation as it was and still be excited and joyful knowing we would travel soon to meet our daughter.
Fast forward to our next referral, I was excited and nervous, but as we got closer to travel I began distancing myself once again. We knew first hand how much time, love, patience, and giving of yourself is required when transitioning a new little one into a family.
When I think back on both experiences now, I realize the distancing is really a sort of ‘self preservation’ mode (for me at least). I think of it as your body and mind having a little break and resting up for what is to come.
Thanks for sharing, it is nice to know others feel/felt this way. I usually only hear about the “rainbows and unicorns/warm fuzzy feelings”.
Oh the joys of motherhood are so full of those ups AND downs aren’t they!?!?
I was so certain when I brought our first son home from the hospital I for sure had single-handedly ruined our lives with this new addition-hahaha! (as if ) And then with our second son I also thought the NOW perfect home was rocked and ruined! Of course, after the adjustment of the newest family member settled everything was not only back to a new normal … but an even better new normal. I guess by son number 3 I had gotten more mellow and just went with the flow, ‘cuz he didn’t rock my world so much. I learned that I had to be open to change and weirdness for awhile. I think this flat feeling you are experiencing IS probably healthy. You are opening your family to a new member … it will be grand in time … with its ups and downs in between. You are a GREAT and SMART mother and wife to know this and go into it with your eyes open … not with just rose colored glasses of a fairytale blinding you.
I do hope things get better soon though–you are going to have such a blessing arrive soon … and I want you to feel it MOST of all 🙂
Hang in there and treat yourself a little somehow 🙂
I think with every adoption you know a little bit more about the joys and the so very tough stuff that will come. But you don’t know exactly WHAT will be hard. How do you prepare for the unknown? I think “self-preservation” sums it up very well.
I also think we are so good at always feeling guilty over something.
You “know” it will be okay – eventually. Don’t expect the impossible from yourself now.
Hugs, Barb
I think that is totally normal and acceptable, Shelley! I have felt that off and on throughout the process. Perhaps in order to cope with the next big expectation or hurdle, lengthy wait or fear of the unknown! Anyway, it’s awesome that you can be candid and share your feelings here for those of us waiting to travel for our child. We need some real feelings and honest discussion!