28
Sep

Some days

Some days are so confusing. True?

We drove our final miles to the house we rented. We pulled up and saw a sweet 100 plus year old house.  The doors were unlocked and Steve and I walked around checking things out. So cute. So many original details. Yes a small truck route raced by out front but look at the yard. Oh wait… Look at the yard!  I had no idea there would be a railroad line directly out back. Oh and a well hole. And wait, Samuel is running as fast as he can from thing to thing. And then we get inside again and the kids go upstairs to the fire trap of an attic with debris everywhere and the smoke alarms pulled apart. And again, Sam raced past me to run outside. And I cried.

I went out to the van and cried. I told Steve that I’d obviously made a mistake and how were we going to keep Sam from hurting himself. And I was mad. At myself, to be honest. Little Miss Responsible hadn’t thought this thing through.

See, we came to PA for Isaiah’s surgeries but in the process of readying ourselves to come we felt up against a wall in our parenting where Sam has been concerned. So I dug around and an e-friend found us an attachment centre nearby for us to get coaching. And for Sam to continue his work towards healing. The problem is that I wasn’t thinking of what he would need when we’d get here.

8 beds?  Check.

Driving distance to hospital?  Check.

Safe environment for Sam?  Um no.

In the end, I’m standing in the driveway feeling sorry for myself and one of the homeowners drove up. I told her my concerns (I’d obviously been crying, poor woman) she rolled with it, assured us she’d work with us and within an hour her husband came and installed some locks and smoke detectors.

If that was the end of the story that would be no surprise to anyone close to me. I’m way too controlling and take way too much upon myself in regards to protecting our kids.  But God wasn’t finished with me yet. Gulp.

I started some laundry after we ate supper, while Stephen tucked in the two littlest boys into bed. He came downstairs and I ran upstairs to kiss them goodnight. And to God’s glory between reading the Mt. Rushmore board book to Isaiah and fielding requests for more water, a little conversation started up with Sam that made my world screech to a stop.

A few months back we celebrated that Sam had asked questions about sin and God and he’d asked us to talk to God with him about it all. It was a beginning.  A great first step in softening his heart towards God. Well last night Sam told me he had never really asked God to come close and he had some really good questions and comments about hearing God and knowing God had really taken his sins away. He was vulnerable with me. He really opened his heart to ask big questions and he wanted real answers. We ended our chat with prayer and hugs (I had called Stephen up at one point to join us.).  I saw him visibly relax.

And then I went downstairs and really thought about this confusing, mixed up day. My control issues. My fears. His care for my kids. For me.

I’ve been doing this Christ follower thing for a really long time. I think my first awareness of my need for Him was when I was younger than Samuel. He’s allowed me to see miracles. I can’t say that there have been times in my life where I have felt honestly alone. Lonely, angry, selfish, frustrated, heartbreak. But despair and separation from Him?  No. That really begs the question, is he leaving my kids alone?  Is there ever a time when He turns His face, His love, from them?

I think that there are so many people that I have revered as mentors in my life (real life and e-life) and somehow I find myself striving to be That Mom. The one who’s kids love her, respect her, seek her wisdom. And yesterday reminded me yet again that God in His wisdom grabbed hold of my heart at the age of five so that there would never ever be a time where I could in all truthfulness claim superiority of wisdom, knowledge and mercy. I am nothing without Him. He is the greater one in this relationship and that extends to my family.

I haven’t blogged about our life (although it’s on FB if you read there) these past few months, but in honour of keeping things real, life has been totally upside down.

Our business has been shaken up with new leadership and some changes with our clients. We made the decision to build a house and put ours on the market only to back out at the last minute. And God made it crystal clear to Stephen and I that we needed to put our focus on more intentional service. In the midst of preparing for this trip to PA God has been bringing us low so He can clean house in our hearts. I’d say yesterday was just another example of this and of His ultimate goodness. It seems a glaring issue will come up and He mercifully show us the answer in such a way that the fear, worry, anxiety is bookended with His love, strength and wisdom. Is it neat and tidy and roses and rainbows?  Not at all. But being able to see Him in it has made these regular spotlights on my weakness easier for me to let Him be God and to be more honest with Him.

Do I wish I could have a “do over”?  You bet. Do I need to get over it and get on with my day?  Yup. Is tomorrow going to have its own issues?  Uh huh.

Onward…

 

 

 

 

 

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