21
Feb

Protected: The Last Week…

February 21, 2011

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3
Feb

How it Really is

February 3, 2011

 

From an e-mail I wrote this morning…

Hi Friend,

Ahhh, your blog has people calling me and saying certainly Grace and Grace’s friend must have some of the same DNA. Seriously! Okay, that isn’t exactly what they mean though. They are referring to the control issues, the anger, the sheer force of nature that is our girls experience right now.

I could’ve written every word that you have written lately. And that is why I haven’t Skyped or written or attempted to even call.

Am I a wimp? Yeah, maybe. How do I empathize without sounding negative? Some days drive me to the brink of the crazy house. And yet honestly we have come so far in a year. A year. And that is again, why I don’t write. It takes time. If someone had told me that we’d be fighting these battles still I would’ve burst into tears. I know why. I know it is logical. If I were chatting with another Mom and they were wondering why it is taking so long then I would have all the answers. But when you’re in the trenches, it is just hard to see it all clearly some days.

And right now Grace is fighting for control with all her being. We are facing her demons. The reality of the golden China that she dreams of is always looming for her and she knows or at least fears that it won’t be what she remembers. She is scared. I mean terrified. But we have to face it together. Hopefully on the other side of this trip she will have clung to us more and trusted what she can see without the mask of the confusion of the actual adoption clouding her vision. Really, when we visited the orphanage the day or so after the adoption, she was just plain shell-shocked and it was all rosy. And it’s only grown from there.

So as for talking with Grace’s Friend. Grace hasn’t been up to it. She has pushed away from her friends or at least the reality that her friends are actually adopted now too. It unnerves her. Of course it does. I think seeing that they are no longer in China will help draw her closer to the girls here in North America too. Perhaps finally she will see them as part of a shared experience.

All this to say that I am walking right beside you in this. Grace is struggling right now behind her brave face of control. Praying that once we are home again, we can begin again with her from a new place of understanding.

Love,

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19
Nov

Giveaway to benefit Grace’s orphanage

November 19, 2010

An “e-friend”, as we call them in our home, is having a really (I mean REALLY) fantastic giveaway that ends today. 

All of the proceeds (100%) will go directly towards this family’s orphanage donation.

The really exciting part for us, is that this family is adopting one of Grace’s orphanage-mates, Kaleb.

Follow this link over to He Leads Us – Faith Walkin’ to Kaleb.

Anita is giving away an I-pod Touch, a bunch of Visa gift cards and lots more.

Won’t you take a look?

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16
Nov

One Year Later…

November 16, 2010

On November 16, 2009, one year ago today, we anxiously waited for our tour bus to crawl through rush hour traffic on its way to the Civil Affairs Office of  Guangdong Province.

We nervously rode the slow elevator upstairs.

We shed our coats, readied our paperwork, prepped our cameras, held our breath.

And then there she was. 

Entering the room timidly from behind a curtain.

Smile firmly attached to her face.

My heart stopped.

I could not catch my breath.

There she  was.

I pulled her stiffened body towards me and embraced her gently.

She called us each by name.

We fumbled over hers.

She came to us bearing photos, gifts, memories of a life lived. 

We spent many minutes poring over the photos.

She would chatter away and point with her long slender fingers.

I think we all fell into shock.

This was no apparition.

Here was our girl.

Our daughter.

Our sister.

Our granddaughter.

Her Mother.

Her Father.

Her siblings.

Her grandparents.

She was so beautiful and intelligent and confident.

She had so many who had invested in her.

Who cared about her.

And suddenly the real little girl was appearing before us.

The pre-drawn image fell away and the reality was there.

And again, it took our breath away.

The beginning had arrived.

We love you little Grace Qiao.

And so we need you to know…

We love that you are such a strong young lady.

We love your direct spirit, your willingness to probe until you understand.

We love your imaginative artistry, your ability to strive for accuracy and creativity in your play.

We love that you have a whole pile of people who stand behind your need to grow and love and be loved.

And nothing, not an ocean nor a fractured language can ever stop these people from caring for you Miss Grace.

Because we are so blessed to know you and to be known by you.

“Forever and ever?”, you say.

Yes, sweetheart. 

Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever…..

With our whole hearts we promise.

Love,

Mom & Dad

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5
Nov

Grace’s Friend is Coming Home!

November 5, 2010

I can’t even describe how excited I am for our new friends Barb & Mike. 

They just received their Travel Approval and are hoping to leave in about 3 weeks to bring their daughter, Nora, home.  

That special little girl is also very special to my little girl. 

{You might remember my posts here & here, which led to our amazement when this happened.}

They’ve shared many years in their orphanage together.

(Grace is on the far right and Nora is just to her left, holding the red lollipop.  The girls were about 3.5 years old.)

Nora has watched Grace leave.

And now it’s Nora’s turn.

PRAISE GOD! 

Hop on over to their blog and congratulate them, won’t you?

Let’s throw them a party to remember – something special to tell Nora about once she’s home!

(And just in case you are looking, I know of at least 2 more little girls from the same orphanage who are looking for their forever family… just thought I’d mention that!)
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28
Sep

It was T-H-I-S big!

September 28, 2010

Tonight at supper Grace became very animated while telling us a story from China.  I happened to have started a new novel tonight (I read out loud to the kids when Stephen isn’t home for meal time), The Mouse and the Motorcycle.  Something about Ralph S. Mouse struck a chord with Miss Grace and she was off and running with a story that she had never told us before. 

Apparently one day when she was still in China (at the orphanage), someone spotted a mouse. 

And here is where I interject a little. 

This mouse was actually quite large by the sounds of it.

(I’m thinking rat, at this point in her description.)

A couple of the grown ups came running.

One of them used an umbrella to try and hit it.

Another person grabbed a fire hose.

Again, I must interject that she was adamant that the hose was much larger than our garden hose and it was for putting out fires!

Then Grace proceeded to describe in great detail the antics surrounding the capture and killing of this mouse. 

The story ends with a different grown up running to the kitchen for a pair of rubber gloves, bending over picking up the mouse by the tail and throwing it outside in some tall grass.

Seriously, I don’t know when the kids as a collective group have been so engaged in a story.

This girl’s got talent.

Or it might have been the, ahem, mouse.

😉

 

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17
Aug

“Too-more-zoh”

August 17, 2010

Otherwise known as “tomorrow”, I will post the end of my very lengthy string of posts about our journey to Samuel. 

Grace still has a pretty cute accent at times.  And I just had to find a way to document her frequent use of that particular word.  😉

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5
Aug

Garnet’s CWI visit (December 13, 2007)

August 5, 2010

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14
Jul

So I got called a control freak parent today.

July 14, 2010

Now, I may be a bit controlling at times (Yes, I know.  No one in my real life is surprised.)  I may even be a bit of a freak of nature.  But a control freak parent?  I never thought so. 

Let’s have a little English lesson, shall we? 

con·trol

/kənˈtroʊl/ Show Spelled[kuhn-trohl]

–verb (used with object)
1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one’s emotions.
3.to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.
4.to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.
5.Obsolete . to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.
 
 
Sooooo I suppose I do exercise restraint over my kiddos.    ahem
 

freak

/frik/ Show Spelled[freek]–noun
1. any abnormal phenomenon or product or unusual object; anomaly; aberration.
2. a person or animal on exhibition as an example of a strange deviation from nature; monster.
3. a sudden and apparently causeless change or turn of events, the mind, etc.; an apparently capricious notion, occurrence, etc.: That kind of sudden storm is a freak.
4. Numismatics . an imperfect coin, undetected at the mint and put into circulation.
5. Philately . a stamp differing from others of the same printing because of creases, dirty engraving plates, etc.
6. Slang .
          a. a person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behavior and activities to pursue one interest or obsession: a drug freak.
          b.a devoted fan or follower; enthusiast: a baseball freak.
          c. a hippie.
7. Archaic . capriciousness; whimsicality
 
I am bit unusual compared to the majority of other parents I know these days.
 
Uh oh –  perhaps that stranger knew me better than I thought! 
 
 
 
And this turns out to be the best way for me to get into something that I has been shifting in our home since our trip (well, actually, beginning on our trip). 
 
You see, when we brought Garnet home at age 3.  We sheltered him (I think this is what the person saw in me = control freak parenting).   We made sure we were the numero uno in his world.  We worked hard at creating our own little microcosm in the form of our family.  We had to go back to square one and teach him what a family was.  We had to teach him that he didn’t have to deal with the world on his own (at 3!).  And it worked.  He has his struggles to be sure and as we hit each developmental milestone we see behaviours and emotions pop out that we thought were banished.  Only now I am hesitant to even believe that they will ever be banished.  I think that they will be there under his skin for the rest of his earthly life.  His beginning is, of course, what makes him who he is today and who he will develop into tomorrow.  I have the full knowledge that Jesus can walk with him through this and that what He did on the cross created a new start for Garnet.   But, on the flip side, will the shadow of the past ever be completely gone?  No.  It will always be there somewhere deep inside.  His perspective on it has the ability to change though.  That is what we ache to see in him.  A confidence deep down inside that comes from the ability to build on what was to what will be.
 
 When Grace came home last fall we tried to do the same thing.  And I don’t think we were successful.  (I know it’s only been 6 months – there’s lots of time!) 
 
For example, in China, we had been advised  by all in the “know” (attachment therapist, other APs, our very experienced facilitator), to simply let her bond to whomever she would on our trip.  Meaning that she should find her safe person or people and hang on, realizing that once we got home we would resume our parenting and lifestyle as we did with Garnet.
 
Grace very obviously chose Grandma. 
 
My folks had travelled to China to meet Garnet and came again for Grace’s adoption.  And we are so thrilled that they did (Just so you know Mom & Dad!).  They were an incredible help.  They have a strong empathy and avid interest in our family’s connection to China. They have made connections to our facilitator.  They have (especially my Mom) invested a lot of time learning about adopive parenting, trauma, special needs, and China’s social and societal customs.  Also, our kids respond well to them as travel companions and disciplinarians as the need arises (although the disciplinary part is rarely seen – I don’t know where they get their stamina from!). 
 
So when we were in China.  Grandma came first and then Mama.  Everyone else may as well have stayed home.  (Although I’m glad they all came because oh.has.it.been.good. to have you all be in the knowabout Grace’s life.  It has helped to reaffrim that I am not crazy and that I saw what I saw and experienced what I experienced.  KWIM?)  Once we got home she grieved.  Oh how she grieved!  It had begun in China and just seemed to grow until in enveloped every one of us.  IT became all consuming.  And I’m not talking about a few days or a week, but months! 
 
If an adult adoptee or Grace herself should read this in the future, let me explain that this is not the point of my long ramble.  She needed to grieve.  Still does at times.  She will probably always have that hole right there in her heart, just as we see it to this day in Garnet.  I am not complaining about her grief, rather I am concerned about our part in it.  And that leads me further into my ramble.
 
We spent months not sleeping, making contact with her loved ones in China, pouring over her photos and having her recount in her early days crazy Chinglish, just how much better China was.  How much she ached to be there.  How much all the other adults in her life were missing her and so sad she wasn’t with them.  And believe me when I say that I am oversimplifying what she went through.  What form of roller coaster that we rode with her.  Those adults in China rode it with her too.  We all tried our best to support her in this pain she was experiencing.  And we made a huge mistake. 
 
In the midst of the dwelling in the pain (which was very essential!), we forgot to remind her of her present and of her future.  We neglected to take the reigns of control from her grasp and take our role as her new parents to its fullest degree.  We forgot to teach her what a family was.  Who parents are in the life of a child.  That it’s okay to be loved on like a baby.  That when you need to grieve it feels best when you can do it with a loved one rather than try to take care of business on your own.  And because of that, my friends, she was unable to attach to her new reality, thereby preventing her from connecting with her new family. 
 
She is so often like a sugar starved toddler running around looking for her next lollipop.  Who will give me what I need?  Who will fill this hole?  And so she runs.  From here to there. 
 
Some days it is so wonderful.  I get a heartfelt hug in the morning or a spontaneous “I love you” at bedtime or she asks after her Dad while he is at work multiple times a day.  Other days I need to tighten up a little on the “control freak” role (see I do have a point! LOL).
 
Is the purpose of my post to beat myself up over the past months?  No.  I think we did many things right.  She is definitely growing in her attachment each day, whether it is visible or not.  I guess my point is simply that sometimes one needs to take stock and really size things up.  For me, this is a season of tweaking my parenting. 
 
I’m so thankful that, so far, even Mama’s can have a second chance.
 
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6
May

Wishing and Hoping

May 6, 2010

Stephen and I had really and truly hoped that when our two youngest finally were united, they would find fulfillment in the shared experiences of their early years. 

Today I saw it fulfilled.

There they were, in their fort under the school table.  Chatting away over Garnet’s photo album about “Their China”. 

It was all I could do not to shout, “Yippee!”.

 

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